The Rules of Hurt/Mirroring/Shunning

Updated May 27, 2024. New: a postscript re “payback”. Maintenance: Fixed table, better spacing and fixed vague writing.

Things I need to remember: (From the post  The Seeing Sequence meets lazy consideration

• Lazy consideration:

  You know, what I want. However, you don’t give it to me. It’s not because you have no consideration. Everyone has it since early in life, when we start to grow our ability to see what others want. It’s that you have anxiety, which creates the fear that you won’t get consideration back. To solve your fear, you go into the state of laziness: “unwilling to work or use energy”. You are in lazy consideration.

• There are three possible outcomes when I differ from you.

  1.  Resolution. We are not in lazy consideration. We show each other our points of view in order to change each other’s mind  to the same or mostly same view, a shared view, about what we are looking at.  This resolves our difference and we feel connected for a moment.
  2.  Licking my wounds. I fool myself by believing that you are not in lazy consideration. I try and try to change your mind. I fail and take the bullet of my pain which is now huge, immobilizing. I have to go and seclude myself until my pain goes down and I can move again. I’m licking my wounds.
  3. Dodging a bullet. We fail to come to a shared view, because you are in lazy consideration. The only thing I can get out of this is to dodge the bullet of causing myself the immobilizing pain of trying and failing to change your mind to approving of my point of view. It’s a pain I have inflicted on myself.
     
     
• Why self-inflicted? Because I’m fantasizing I can change your mind out of your lazy consideration. I try,  and then I fail. Now I’m in  pain from that failure. This pain comes because connecting to people is a survival mechanism. Thus, when my imagination convinces me to try to get you to connect to me when you’re in lazy consideration, and I fail, I feel a severe pain to remind me that my survival is at stake. I’ve put myself into, I’ve inflicted upon myself,  immobilizing pain.
  
  
• Shunning is about me, not about you.
  
  Therefore, I don’t do it to change your mind. Its purpose is to protect myself from pain. What pain? The immobilizing pain, caused by my trying, and failing, to change your mind out of your lazy consideration. Yes, your lazy consideration hurts me, but not nearly as much as I hurt myself when I try, and fail, to change your mind out of it.
  
  
• My thinking that forms/creates my true response – my shun – will end. Then it’s time to get the shun out of my head and into the world; to put it into action.  What needs to come into my mind is the image of me  matching my actions to the action image in my head.
  
  But if the next thing to come into my mind is how you will react to my shun, I’m back in a psr. For example, I might picture that you will change your mind to approving of my point of view that you are in lazy consideration. I might then oppose this view  by picturing how you just get mad if I try to change your mind. Either way, I need to bitch and complain both psr’s because they are not focusing me on getting my shun out.  And I need to repeat b and c until I do my shun, which is my true response, without thinking about anything else.
  
  
• Emotion in my shun is a psr.  (Almost always. Example exception: shouting to mimic, not mock, you shouting).
  
  If I’m angry or vengeful or sad or afraid or optimistic while I’m thinking about my shun of you, I’m in a psr. I need to bitch and complain until I feel nothing and I’m only focused on externalizing my shun.
  
  
• When I shun, I’m mirroring you.
  
  But I’m not directly imitating you. It’s not tit for tat. It can be in nonverbal situations, for example, ignoring a child who ignores me. But mostly, if I did back what you did to me, it would mean I’m trying to change your mind out of your lazy consideration.
  
  Instead, I mirror the direction of your approach by going with it. I receive your giving nothing that considers me and give back nothing that considers you. I roll with your punches. Examples are below.
  
  
• Almost all shunning is text/word based.
  
  Text is the words I hear you say. Subtext is what I think you mean. But subtext requires analysis. Analysis is unreliable. More importantly, analysis is a psr created as a solution to another psr: me predicting failure to do my shun right. So, if I’m analyzing you or me, I have to b and c.
• What psr’s come out instead of my shun?
  
  Problem-solving the predicted failure, trying to get your approval, and pleasure seeking. No thanks.

Types of lazy consideration and the shun of each.

Demo, using the framework post: The Seeing Sequence Meets Lazy Consideration

Step 1

Pick the thought or feeling I think is a psr.  Optional: A useful guide: The Database of Psr’s

I come home and get angry at you when I find your clothes or dishes lying around, again.

Classify the psr using three simple classes:

“good me” for feelings that are positive (pleasure) or for feelings that I imagine will solve things fast (anger always comes with the fantasy that I can shake up the environment into going my way),

“bad me” for hurting or judging myself.

“poor me”  for fear and for feeling sorry for myself.

(NB. I decide on how many psr’s I want to b and c. It could be just one, or I could do all of them until they stop coming. The more I practice, the closer I get to one, then a ghost of one, then none. The number of practices is like learning to walk, or to play a musical instrument, or to play a sport well or to cook food well, or do anything well. It’s a large number. )

Like this:

Good me,  I imagine punishing you or yelling at you.

Good me, I love  the fantasy I can use the power of anger to shake you up into changing your mind. To what?  To approving of my point of view that you should pick up after yourself without depending on me telling you.

Poor me, I suddenly feel sorry for myself about the pain your lazy consideration has put me in.

I’m magnifying this problem by thinking of all the other times you did this. Bad me.

No wonder I’m suddenly deflated. Poor me.

Step 2

The reversal: (find the cause of the psr’s, not by asking why, but by imagining what I would see if I didn’t do psr’s to myself.)

Because poor me if I didn’t (get mad then sad),

I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions, (which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response; that wording is coming 4 lines below)

namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss

of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:

(namely) observing/experiencing a problem I can’t solve now – your lazy consideration.

At the end of my thought that forms my true response:

I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring. (Dead inside means I don’t at all feel like ignoring)

But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to avoid immobilizing myself further).

So start ignoring the delay by focusing on

(ignoring is done by focusing on something other than the thing I want to ignore)(I want to ignore the delay in getting over grief, so I focus on something – matching the action image of my decision with action  – other than solving/opposing the delay in getting over grief)

mechanically moving (my focus) on to externalizing my true response.

Step 3

Wait to see what comes into my mind.

If another psr, repeat Steps 1 and 2 until psr’s stop . Or until I run out of time and have to do somethng else.

If my true response, Shun time. But to shun I have to know what I’m looking at.

When I look at anything without solving it, my mind classifies it. This mess I’m looking at is you in lazy consideration. Now what class of lazy consideration are you in? I’ve memorized all 10 classes of lazy consideration, or I look them up.

(Please excuse the table’s uneven lines. It was the best software I could find so far.)

 

The Rules of Hurt/Mirroring/Shunning




	
Type of Lazy Consideration
The Shun-What it looks like


	
1. Avoiding my explicitly stated needs.







Example 1: you are not listening to me about why I don't want to be with you anymore. 























Example 2: You haven't picked up your stuff (clothes, dishes, toys) that I asked you to pick up, or that you already know to pick up.
You avoid forever, as all avoiders do. As a result, I am forced to do the work, for you, of getting you to meet my needs. In return for this waste of my time, I will try to make you meet my needs my way, which includes my getting you to do it on my time, usually now.



Shun, Example 1: Step 1. Confront: "you haven't (done what I asked ,e.g. listened to me)". 

Step 2. Ask directly, "are you going to (do what I asked), now, (e.g. listen to me)? I just want to know."

Step 3. If you answer my question, my shun is almost over. I make sure you do what I need to my standards, not yours. If you don't answer with a "yes", which means you are still trying to avoid, I tell you "I'll take that as a "no". If you say "no", I obviously take it. With either form of no, I change the class of your lazy consideration to an idiotic idea: the idea that you think I will compensate for you not meeting my need. 

Step 4. If you say yes, I acknowledge it, and then ask you to do something for me that gets me back the time I had to take to shun you. For example, I might ask you to carry my stuff to the front door as I'm leaving  you.



Example 2: "You didn't pick your stuff up. Are you going to do it now?" If yes, then "while you're at it do (some chore for me that saves me time)". If no, I stop doing the little, or big, things I do for you that make your life cushy until you meet my need. I can shorten this shun by going to you without warning and telling you or asking you to pick up your stuff, "now". I then monitor, now or later, that you've done it my way.


	
2. Complaining. You are trying to get me to do the thinking for you of solving a problem. If I do, you'll give me more of them, forever.



Example: "I don't understand why you don't want to be with me anymore." 
I agree and embellish in the direction of forever, which is what you, in lazy consideration, fear. 





Example: "I see that you don't understand. And I don't see that ending." or "I get that. And it looks like you not understanding will go on forever."


	
3. Looking for trouble. You are trying to provoke me so you can blame me. 



Example 1. You make a half attempt to listen to me and then ask me, "is that okay?" I know you want me to say "yes" so you can go back to only listening for what suits you, for what takes your anxiety away. If I say "no" you'll blame me for asking  too much from you.



Example 2. "You never cared for me anyway."

I give you the trouble you're looking for, and more. In other words, you want trouble, here's trouble.



Example 1. "No, it's a terrible effort."











Example 2. "You're right. I just used you." or "That's right, and I never will."


	
4. 5-W questions. Questions that begin with "Who, What, Where, When, Why and How". 











Example 1: "Why are you leaving me?"



Example 2: "Where are you going after you leave me?"





Example 3: You, my boss, ask "Why didn't you get me coffee?"

I never answer this question when you're in lazy consideration. You know the answer. You're just trying to set me up to argue or to do your thinking for you. Instead, I repeat the question with the words "do you think" after the 5-W word. To an equal or to someone with less power than me, say someone younger, I put the emphasis on the word "think". But to a superior,  I put the emphasis on the word "you".



Example1: "Why do you think I'm leaving you?"





Example 2: "Where do you think I'm going?"





Example 3: "Why do you think I didn't?" or if you will freak out on me, "That's a good question. Why do you think I didn't?"


	
5. Playing dumb to a 5-W shun, or any playing dumb: "I don't know". This is often you're response to number 4, my 5-W shun. 









Example 1:  When I say "Why do you think I'm leaving", you will say "I don't know".
There are 2 modes you are in: 1. If you are a child, or you are making some effort, I might say, "You must have some idea or you wouldn't be able to formulate the question." 

2. If you are any age and obviously being too lazy to put yourself in my shoes, I say "then you'll never know", or "I guess you'll never know".



Example 1: "Then you'll never know".  




	
6. Direct blame. The word "direct" is here because the last three types of lazy consideration are indirect attempts by you to blame me. The form of direct blame is a complaint with the word "you" in it. You are the cause of the complaint. 



Example 1: "You're leaving me because you're selfish".



Example 2: "You have someone else you want to be with."
I always agree to this. I never embellish it, because that would be me trying to change you're mind, which you would take as a signal that you can argue with me and change my mind. However, if you lie, I can just agree, or if for example your have power which you will use against me, I can say something to show I'm not going to change you're mind.

 

Example 1: "Yes, I am."





Example 2: "I do", or "you're right" or "whatever" or "if that's what you want to believe" or "think whatever you want." or  "I won't change your mind about it". 

 The key is to be brief, so that I invest as little as possible in my response to you, and never try to change your mind.








	
7. No choice behavior. You are putting me on the spot, giving me no choice but to respond to you. You usually do this by asking me a direct question, which uses the social rule that it is rude to not answer a direct question. But sometimes you just do things that force me to respond. You never come out and force me. You leave that unspoken.



Example 1: "Are you going to never talk to me again after you leave?"



Example 2: "I'll need to talk to you often to help me get over your leaving me."



Example 3: You show up at my door after I have left you.
I never answer this question because you already know the answer or can figure it out on your own or what you want to know is none of your business and you know it. My shun forces the issue of no-choice to the surface. I do this by directly asking about choice or by repeating the first two words of the question, and changing the "you" to "I". 







Example 1. "Am I?" or "Do I have a choice?" 



Example 2: "Do I have a choice?"





Example 3. "Do I have a choice about you coming over without telling me?"


	
8. Admitting to no choice behavior. This is you answering my shun to your no choice behavior with a "no", thus admitting that you are giving me no choice.



Example 1: I say "do I have a choice about you coming here?" and you say "no, you don't".







No human being can actually give another no choice, because you can't physically get into my brain and force me to act the way you want me to. Thus, my shun mirrors the impossibility of this by giving you no choice. 





Answer 1: "If you can give me choice, I can give you no choice." And then I ignore you completely.  I shut the door while you are standing there. What I don't do is wait for your reply. This means I am waiting for you to change your mind. Result: immobilizing pain, because I tried and failed to change your mind.




	
9. An idiotic idea. Any idea you present to me that has an obvious bad or fatal flaw that you pretend not to see.











Example 1: After dozens and dozens of times you screwed me over, and now that I'm leaving you, you propose the idiotic idea that I need to go to a therapist, or that we go to therapy together, or that we be friends.
Actually, an idiotic idea has 2 irreversible, that is, fatal flaws: 1. that the change, or whatever you propose, is easy and fast for you and me; and 2. that I will compensate for you, that is, I will fix what goes wrong when the idea fails. My shun is to make sure I don't  change your mind. Therefore, I go with it as if it's a good idea, or as if it's an interesting idea that has aroused my curiosity. I do this until we run into the fatal flaw that I'm not going to fix, compensate for, the things that go wrong because of the idiotic part of your idea.



Answer 1. "Okay, so I or we go to therapy, or we be friends. Then what?" or "What's in that for you, and by the way, for me?"


	
10. Gone. I am not there to you, in one of 4 ways. 













Example 1. Your anger that lasts more than a few seconds.

Example 2. You crying on and on. 

Example 3. You talking on and on. 

Example 4. You keep repeating the same lazy consideration 3 times, despite my shunning you. In other words you don't get the shun on your own and rise to it by stopping your lazy consideration. This is the 3-strikes rule. 













I'm gone to your gone, in 3 steps: 1. I do gone by answering the question to myself, "what would I do if you weren't here", and doing it. I get on with my life without you.  2. I stay gone longer than you were gone because you owe me time away from you for putting me through this. 3. To bring me out of my gone, you have to come back to the issue that made you gone. I'll stay gone if you just stop and do nice things for me, because you are trying to get me to come back towards you without taking responsibility for turning me off in the first place. 

Examples 1-4. I do whatever I decide that moves my life forward without you.

 

• 1. avoiding my explicitly stated needs: yes
• 2 to 6 don’t fit
• 7.  no-choice behavior: yes but there is no text, that is, you’re not speaking, so, no.
• 8 doesn’t work
• 9. idiotic idea fits because you obviously think I will let you get away with this or even pick up after you.
• 10. You could be gone because you’ve done this so many times.

 

I now think of what mirroring looks like for each of my choices. I should have the Rules of Hurt memorized so I can do this in the short time I have in this moment. But I don’t. I look them up.

 

• For 1, avoiding my explicitly stated needs, I should interrupt you and get you to pick up right now. I have no anger or any feeling so my presentation will be neutral. But right now I want to unwind. So I’ll do it later, on my time. After I unwind, before I get on to the next thing, I could summon you and tell you to clean up, now. And then check to see if you’ve done it to my standards. If you haven’t, I keep correcting you until you have. My persistence takes control of your time the way your lazy consideration, and my need to shun you, took control of my time. This is mirroring.
• For 9, idiotic idea, I could mirror by leaving my own mess in a way that affects you. But then I have to do too much work to change my natural self. Also, I’ll start watching for your response.  I see I’m trying to change your mind and pain is starting, in the form of my anger coming back. So that doesn’t fit.
• For 10, gone, I think, “what would I do if you weren’t here?”.  But this doesn’t work because I don’t want to have to ignore the mess, at least yet.

 

I choose 1, avoiding my explicitly stated needs. I summon you and tell you to pick up your stuff. I will check when you’re done that you did it my way, and if you didn’t, tell you to do it again until I’m satisfied. Then I will give you a consequence, for example, getting you to clean up my dishes, for putting me through this extra work of mirroring your disconnection from me.

You argue, saying “why didn’t you tell me before? I’m (busy, playing, or some other lame excuse).” I’m still neutral, only because I’ve bitched and complained so many times that I have a big memory center that takes me out of exasperation with you to neutral and focused on my shun.

I classify your predictable defensiveness as rule 4, a 5-W question and ask you, matter-of-factually, “Why do you think I didn’t tell you before?” I’m counting. Your thoughtless, habitual attempt to change my mind is strike two.

Or I could classify this as another avoid and reply with “are you going to pick up now, or not. I just want to know?”

Or if this scene has already happened at least 3 or more times before, to observe the universal “three strikes and you’re out” rule, I would classify your lazy consideration as 10, gone. My response is to totally ignore you as if you aren’t here, not considering you in all the ways I make your life cushy. I stay gone until you come back to me having picked up after yourself. If you do, I make you wait longer than you made me wait and then give you a task that saves me time. This ends the mirroring. But it looks like I’ve put you through payback. See postscript below for a discussion of payback.

During all of this I need to monitor any thoughts of considering you or any emotions about you. These would mean I’m trying to change your mind to approving of my point of view. I need to catch it before I get into the immobilizing pain of trying and failing to change your mind.

If I do it right, how does this scene end? I’m happy with my shun. I dodged the bullet of putting myself in immobilizing pain caused by failing to change your mind. I’m focused on connecting to whatever I can connect to: myself doing something or to another person. I could connect to you if you come out of your lazy consideration. But I’m free from depending on that.

Postscript re payback

Payback is me giving back what you gave me. But do I need payback to move on to my true response? In this case, payback can ease the pain you caused me because it causes pain in you that matches my pain without my needing you to acknowledge it. My brain responds to this similarity of pains with the positive feeling of relief.

But waiting for payback or seeking to cause it is me depending on being the cause of your pain in order to make me feel like moving on to externalizing my true response, in this case, my shun. That’s a psr and therefore I need to bitch and complain it.

So what is payback doing in my shun? It serves my basic need to get something satisfying back for my effort. It has nothing to do with you. That’s why it works even if you respond to it with more lazy consideration. 

Why isn’t the shun, which protected me from immobilizing pain, enough of a return for my effort? To answer this I ask myself: “what would I feel if I didn’t do payback. I would still feel good about my shun. But the original pain you caused me would still be there because it is expressing a negative: that my existence is diminished, is not worth considering, in your mind.

There are two ways I can go with that pain. I can try to offset it by getting the environment – you – to go my way. Or if that’s not possible or not worth the effort, I can be gone from your life for a short time or forever. Then the  offset to my pain is no more risk of being diminished by you.

Payback then is a balancing mechanism for me, as part of my shun. It brings me back from being diminished. I’m not interested in it outside the shun. That would be a psr that would  hurt me more that you could hurt me, because, as I said above, I would be dependent on you being in pain in order to move on with my life in big or small ways. No thanks.