The Seeing Sequence Meets Your Shyness

Updated December 6, 2025, Dec.29/25, Feb. 2/26

(Short versions far below)

The Problem

You’re shy. As a result you’re blocked from trying to connect to me. I know it’s temporary. But It triggers in me boredom, then detached amateur analysis, then, worst of all, doing the work of connecting for you.

The Cause

Not upbringing, not experiences. Instead, psr’s. Psr = inappropriate or imaginary problem solving response. It’s not real solving of real stuff. Ipsr is too long and doesn’t roll off the tongue well, so … psr – problem solving response.

The Solution, The Change

Bitch and complain (synonyms are “flow” or “flow-with” or “deconstruct”) the psr’s, often many times (instructions are in the examples below). The repetitions build a memory center that pulls my focus into it. While there, I don’t oppose myself by finding fault with every thought that forms my true response/my decision.  Instead, I simply externalize it.

Good to know:

1. While my mind can go blank more than a few times in a day, most of the time my mind produces a constant stream of thoughts and feelings. This stream causes many distractions, all day every day. In order to survive, (that means not die), I need to be good at ignoring them.
2. All loss, no matter how small, causes pain. That pain is the feeling called grief. Thus, loss causes grief.
3. Since failure causes loss of what I was trying to achieve, the loss caused  by failure causes grief. The most important failure in daily life is the failure to ignore the distractions that appear at the end of my thought that forms my true response, my decision. I call the grief triggered by my failing to ignore distractions,”the pain of failing to ignore”.
4. Everyone is born with a different intensity of the pain of failing to ignore.
5. If my pain of failing to ignore is strong, I am naturally afraid of it. The appearance in my mind of a decision triggers the need to ignore distractions. Failing to ignore them triggers my high pain of failing to ignore, which triggers my fear of that pain. As a result, I’m  afraid of making any decision. When my fear of making a decision appears, I’m compelled to solve the fear. So, I search for the cause of my fear. I find that the cause is problems – faults –  with the decision and I solve those faults. Solving gets me the positive feeling of relief. Relief replaces my fear and so distracts me from the pain of failing to ignore. The result: I’m always editing (looking for and solving flaws), in other words, problem-solving, the thought that forms my decision. I edit in order to get relief from my normal fear of this abnormally high pain.
6. One of these edits/problem-solving responses (psr’s) to a decision is the fantasy that the feeling of relief will make me feel like acting, feel motivated to act, on my decision. (Here lieth the source of the world’s fruitless search for motivation.) But it doesn’t work. As soon as I solve one problem, a new one appears. In fact, solving signals my brain that I want to do more solving, so I can get more relief. So, it brings me more problems. Quickly, the problem solving gains momentum, and grows out of my control until it becomes frightening and snaps me out of it. I call this constant line of psr’s “fear driven seeking of relief” or “second guessing” or “obsessing” or “bad momentum” about my decision. It’s the outcome of trying to feel like acting on my decision.
7. If my pain of failing to ignore is weak, I’m  not afraid of it. Therefore, my brain doesn’t produce anxiety – an abnormal fear of a normal situation, and other psr’s that mess around with my decision. I’m free to focus on externalizing it by matching my actions to the image of me acting -my action image,  that’s in my mind.
8. All emotions, including the grief caused by loss of anything, big or small, will keep coming back if opposed. To solve grief, including by avoiding grief, is to oppose it. As a result, solving grief causes it to come back.
9. All my problems are caused by me trying to solve/oppose the pain of failing to ignore. Culture says I should fix this pain. My brain says I should feel it, that is, suffer it, and see how it won’t harm me if I do. This will make me ignore it by moving my focus onward to seeing and externalizing my true response/my decision. I externalize by matching my actions to the action image of my decision.

The Seeing Sequence is the sequence of  bitching and complaining /flow/deconstructing psr’s in order to see my true response. It gets me to stop believing my psr’s which gets me to stop trying to solve the pain of failing to ignore. As a result, the pain, like all emotion, runs out by itself, most often in bits, not all at once.  A good almost must-read:  Why the Seeing Sequence works

(NB (nota bene, Latin for note well):words in brackets, or words separated by forward slashes below mean I can choose from several wordings, or the words are instructions, or blanks to fill in that fit my own experience.)

How to Bitch and Complain/Flow-with Psr’s using the following Example List

1. You can’t connect to me as easily as I can connect to you.

2. You are shy to initiate touching me. 

Step 1 

(Really it’s two steps but they happen so fast, they may as well be one)

Pick the thought or feeling I think is a psr.  Optional: A useful guide: The Database of Psr’s

I do the work of connecting for you.

Classify my emotional response to the psr using three simple classes:

“good me” for feelings that are positive (pleasure) or for feelings that I imagine will solve things fast (anger always comes with the fantasy that I can rapidly shake up or scare the environment into going my way),

“bad me” for hurting or judging myself.

“poor me”  for fear and for feeling sorry for myself.

(NB. I decide on how many psr’s I want to b and c. It could be just one, or I could do all of them until they stop coming. The more I practice, the closer I get to one, then a ghost of one, then none. The number of practices is like learning to walk, or to play a musical instrument, or to play a sport well or to cook food well, or do anything well. It’s a large number. )

Like this:

I’m pretending I’m patient. I’m waiting for you to make eye contact with me. Good me.

I’m waiting even longer because I’m optimistic you’ll say something. Good me.

Poor me, I’m bored.

I’m analyzing why you’re shy. It’s because you feel anxious, inadequate, or you have attachment problems. Good me.

Hurry up and connect to me. Impatience. Good me I love the fantasy I can use a negative dominant feeling to shake up the reality in front of me on this try.

Bad me. Self attack from a fantasized standard that says I have to go first in speaking or I’m not a good person.

Now I feel guilty. Poor me.

I fix the guilt by speaking to you. Good me.

Darn! I did the work for you. Good me, anger at myself because I love the fantasy I can use scaring or hurting myself into changing instantly

Step 2

The reversal: (find the cause of the psr’s, not by asking why, but by imagining what I would see if I didn’t do psr’s to myself.)

Because poor me if I didn’t ______ (do this (or these psr’s), in this case ______)(do the work of connecting for you)

I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions, (which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response; that wording is coming 4 lines below)

namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss

of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:

(which was) _______”.

(

I fill this in using one of five possible “endings”. If I don’t know which one to choose, I can guess.

Endings

1) “the end of what I was just doing, (which was): imagining my action image if I see all the parts of it, or previewing my action image if I see a quick glimpse before I work out the parts”.

Examples:

All parts – doing something I’ve practised many times.

Quick glimpse: I see myself putting down a chopping knife just before I come to the end of using it, but my work surface is crowded and I haven’t yet looked for a place to put it.

2) “the end of what I was just doing (which was): trying and failing to match my action to my action image“.

Example: My failing to look at an object all the way to my reaching for it and grasping it.

3) “the end of what I was just doing (which was): feeling my happiness/satisfaction about my success (at forming and externalizing my true response, in other words, “at matching my action to my action image)”

Example: I look where I’m reaching for an object that’s not easy to hold onto, like twigs to start a cooking fire.

Or “feeling happy/satisfied/content about what just came into my mind without me trying”. This happiness is more passive than me matching my true response. It’s just experiencing, that is, enjoying, receiving/observing-not-solving, not editing, not perfecting, not putting my mark on, what the environment  or my mind gives me that fits me and therefore triggers pleasure.

Example 1: something beautiful coming into my view. For this the wording is “the end of what I was just doing: enjoying seeing beauty, or feeling lucky (seeing beauty”.

Example 2: While observing a situation, usually a real problem, I get a bright idea about how to understand it or how to solve it, or both.  I use this wording: “the end of what I was just doing: feeling happy that a bright idea popped into my mind.”

4) “the end of what I was just doing (which was): experiencing or observing a problem (or something that is different from what fits me), that I can’t solve now or have no business solving even if I could, or both.”

(Four Examples from an endless list:)

a) observing your lazy consideration (about what you know I need you to consider). (Example: your anger at me for being independent of you.)

b) observing your disapproval. Example: my shun of your lazy consideration.

c) observing your fear of making the transition on your own from awake to falling asleep; and your attempts to get me to fix that fear for you.

d) experiencing a coincidence that doesn’t fit me (bad luck, such as an accident, or anything I have no interest in, like most distractions): This ending is similar to 2) above in that the end is a failure. But the difference is that it’s a failure of the environment to go my way, while 2) is my failure to make myself go my way.

5)  the end of what I was just doing (which was): being in a blank, (a state of no thought or feeling).”

A blank occurs when:

a) I don’t know or can’t remember what to think when I need to find an answer. This could be before I’ve tried to figure it out or after I’ve run out of ideas. Example: a math equation.

b) I finish a feeling, say happiness, that isn’t a psr. Or I finish matching my action to my action image, and I haven’t decided what to do next.

Example: A common sequence in me: a blank; then the psr “predicting failure” predicts the blank will fail to be brief; that causes fear which is another psr;  then a third psr: fix the fear in the quickest way I can think of – repeat what I just finished thinking or saying. Thus, I often repeat myself to fill in blanks.

)

(End of endings, now continuing with bnc)

(I choose) “observing your problem that I must not solve so that you don’t depend on me to initiate contact: your shyness to connect with me.”

At the end of my thought that forms my true response:

I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring. (Dead inside means I don’t at all feel like ignoring)

But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to get my true response/decision out there).

So start ignoring the delay by moving my focus on to

(ignoring is done by focusing on something other than the thing I want to ignore)(I want to ignore the delay in getting over grief, so I focus on something – matching the action image of my decision with action  – other than solving/opposing the delay in getting over grief)

mechanically (which means without feeling like it/without motivation)

(externalizing my true response/decision by matching my action to the action image of my decision/true response)

______.(doing my own thing while I wait for you to initiate connecting to me).

Step 3

Wait to see what comes into my mind.

If another psr, repeat Steps 1 and 2 until: psr’s stop, or I decide to stop, or I run out of time and have to do something else.

If my true response, I naturally (which means in first-party observing self/un-self-consciously/without stepping outside myself/without thinking)

______ (describe my true response)

I’m ready to connect to you but you can’t even look at me yet. So I’ll do my own thing until you feel less afraid of me. I’ll know because you’ll show me one of your toys and name it, while looking at me.

Short version:

psrs: predicting failure to be satisfied with how long you make me wait, bad me.

good me, fix my fear of this failure by being optimistic that you will succeed fast

poor me, getting impatient

distraction: (delay in the pleasure of getting over) grief from loss of momentum (caused by)

end of what I was just doing: observing your shyness to connect with me.

true response:  focus on _______(waiting for you by keeping busy and avoiding eye contact)

Repeat all until I do it.

Example 2

You’re shy to touch me on your own initiative. If you did, it would mean your doing it from within.

Step 1

Pick the thought or feeling I think is a psr.  Optional: A useful guide: The Database of Psr’s

In this case, I imagine you’ll never touch me on your own.

Classify my emotional response to the psr using three simple classes:

“good me” for feelings that are positive (pleasure) or for feelings that I imagine will solve things fast (anger always comes with the fantasy that I can shake up the environment into going my way),

“bad me” for hurting or judging myself.

“poor me”  for fear and for feeling sorry for myself.

(NB. I decide on how many psr’s I want to b and c. It could be just one, or I could do all of them until they stop coming. The more I practice, the closer I get to one, then a ghost of one, then none. The number of practices is like learning to walk, or to play a musical instrument, or to play a sport well or to cook food well, or do anything well. It’s a large number. )

Like this

Bad me, jumping to a worst-case scenario.

I picture moving away from you. Good me.

Good me, I imagine confronting you, in order to get you to change your mind.

Poor me, you argue back instead.

I produce a rapid succession of solve and counter-solve psr’s. This is me caught in bad momentum, Poor me.

The bad momentum is really upsetting. Poor me.

Step 2

The reversal: (find the cause of the psr’s, not by asking why, but by imagining what I would see if I didn’t do psr’s to myself.)

“Because poor me if I didn’t ______ (do this (or these) psr’s, in this case ______)“get caught in bad momentum “

I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions,

namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss

of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:

(which was) _______ .”

(

I fill this in using one of five possible “endings”. If I don’t know which one to choose, I can guess.

Endings

1) “the end of what I was just doing, (which was): imagining my action image if I see all the parts of it, or previewing my action image if I see a quick glimpse before I work out the parts”.

Examples:

All parts – doing something I’ve practised many times.

Quick glimpse: I see myself putting down a chopping knife just before I come to the end of using it, but my work surface is crowded and I haven’t yet looked for a place to put it.

2) “the end of what I was just doing (which was): trying and failing to match my action to my action image“.

Example: My failing to look at an object all the way to my reaching for it and grasping it.

3) “the end of what I was just doing (which was): feeling my happiness/satisfaction about my success (at forming and externalizing my true response, in other words, “at matching my action to my action image)”

Example: I look where I’m reaching for an object that’s not easy to hold onto, like twigs to start a cooking fire.

Or “feeling happy/satisfied/content about what just came into my mind without me trying”. This happiness is more passive than me matching my true response. It’s just experiencing, that is, enjoying, receiving/observing-not-solving, not editing, not perfecting, not putting my mark on, what the environment  or my mind gives me that fits me and therefore triggers pleasure.

Example 1: something beautiful coming into my view. For this the wording is “the end of what I was just doing: enjoying seeing beauty, or feeling lucky (seeing beauty”.

Example 2: While observing a situation, usually a real problem, I get a bright idea about how to understand it or how to solve it, or both.  I use this wording: “the end of what I was just doing: feeling happy that a bright idea popped into my mind.”

4) “the end of what I was just doing (which was): experiencing or observing a problem (or something that is different from what fits me), that I can’t solve now or have no business solving even if I could, or both.”

(Four Examples from an endless list:)

a) observing your lazy consideration (about what you know I need you to consider). (Example: your anger at me for being independent of you.)

b) observing your disapproval. Example: my shun of your lazy consideration.

c) observing your fear of making the transition on your own from awake to falling asleep; and your attempts to get me to fix that fear for you.

d) experiencing a coincidence that doesn’t fit me (bad luck, such as an accident, or anything I have no interest in, like most distractions): This ending is similar to 2) above in that the end is a failure. But the difference is that it’s a failure of the environment to go my way, while 2) is my failure to make myself go my way.

5)  the end of what I was just doing (which was): being in a blank, (a state of no thought or feeling).”

A blank occurs when:

a) I don’t know or can’t remember what to think when I need to find an answer. This could be before I’ve tried to figure it out or after I’ve run out of ideas. Example: a math equation.

b) I finish a feeling, say happiness, that isn’t a psr. Or I finish matching my action to my action image, and I haven’t decided what to do next.

Example: A common sequence in me: a blank; then the psr “predicting failure” predicts the blank will fail to be brief; that causes fear which is another psr;  then a third psr: fix the fear in the quickest way I can think of – repeat what I just finished thinking or saying. Thus, I often repeat myself to fill in blanks.

)

(End of endings, now continuing with bnc)

(I choose): “experiencing a problem I can’t solve now or have no business solving even if I could, or both: your fear of owning your wanting to touch me”

At the end of my thought that forms my true response:

I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring.

But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to get to my true response)

So start ignoring the delay by moving my focus on to

mechanically going into waiting mode with respect to you, and with respect to myself, continuing to connect to you, being careful to not subtly influence you, and thus trigger your guilt and make you even more shy. 

Step 3

Wait to see what comes into my mind next.

If another psr, repeat Steps 1 and 2.

If my true response, I will naturally externalize it: I focus only on this moment. I treat you as if you have no desire to touch me. Because I value above all else that this change comes from within you. And I want to see where my mind goes in the no-touch way of our being connected in this moment. In other words, will I want to repeat being around you, knowing that your wanting to touch me won’t be expressed on time, that is, in the moment you feel it, which is where it matters most, because that’s the only time it comes from inside?

Short version:

psrs: jumping to a worst case scenario, bad me

poor me, rapid onset of bad momentum

distraction: (delay in the pleasure of) getting over) grief from loss of momentum (caused by)

end of what I was just doing: experiencing your fear of owning your wanting to touch me”

true response:  focus on _______( for only this moment, treating you as if you have no desire to touch me, to see how it makes me feel)

Repeat until I do it.

Postscript

Reminder 1 to self:

To b and c or not to b and c. That is the question. To b and c is to suffer the frustration of missing the starting signal – a psr, an astonishingly large number of times. To not b and c is to suffer repeating anxiety and the exhausting work of trying to solve it. Thus, both ways are difficult. And that sucks. But only I can decide which way I want my existence to suck in any moment, when I do catch the signal, the psr.

Reminder 2 to self:

I need to memorize these sentences or I’ll never do them. And even when I do memorize them, it will take more suffering my anxiety before I remember to do them, and even more suffering before I even decide to do them after I remember. Even then, I’ll need more practice to do it live, in the moment. That’s the easiest way? Yup.

Reminder 3 to self:

The above two reminders are about what causes change in my brain: persistent practice that builds alternate memory centres. Change doesn’t come from  judgment or punishment or encouragement or copying rules or help from another. So I’m free not to use them, and I’m especially free from needing to judge myself for not using them.

To repeat in another way: the only thing that changes my brain is seeing through the tricks my anxiety plays on me to solve itself, and disbelieving them by b and c, over and over again. Only then will I have built a new memory centre, a new planet, of bitching and complaining/deconstructing that redirects my focus onto my true response.

Reminder 4 to self:

Question

Why don’t I just say what the distraction is? It’s grief. The grief from the loss of momentum caused by the end of whatever I was just doing,

Answer

Because grief would not be a distraction if it went away instantly. While grief is brief, like all emotion, it keeps coming back in waves. While I’m feeling the grief, I’m distracted into checking how long it’s lasting. As a result, the distraction is not the grief. It’s the delay in the pleasure, the relief,  of getting it over with.  That delay in getting over grief from loss of momentum occurs in the instant I have to transition, that is, change, my focus, from the high return work of forming my true response to the low return work of  externalizing it. In other words, to go from fun to boredom without complaint.

Reminder Summary

To take this answer back to where I started seeing. Me being distracted means I have failed to ignore when I most need to ignore. My high pain of failing to ignore is triggered by this failure. Because the pain is intense, it frightens me. To solve the fear, my brain is compelled to use psr’s to fix, not the fear, but its cause, the pain.

But, if I want to avoid disappointing myself by failing to externalize my true response, followed by my scrambling to adapt to the consequences, I must not give in to the fixing of the pain of failing to ignore. Through more repetitions than I ever feared, and in every part of my life, I must train myself to b and c until I can  mechanically, like a reflex, focus on externalizing my true response.