The Problem
I drop things, spill things, bump into things, break things, choke on things and misplace things. I’m clumsy. I never thought of myself that way until someone told me. Then I saw it in all movement that I didn’t need to pay close attention to. I could climb any tree, walk on any roof without mishap. But I couldn’t wash dishes without bumping them, without splattering the water, without occasionally breaking one.
The Cause
Not character, not upbringing. Instead, psr’s. Psr = inappropriate or imaginary problem solving response. It’s not real solving of real stuff. Ipsr is too long and doesn’t roll off the tongue well, so … psr.
The Solution
Bitch and complain (also called “flow” or “flow-with” the psr’s, often many times (instructions are in the examples below). The repetitions build a memory center that pulls my focus into it. While there, I don’t find fault with every thought while I form and carry out, externalize, a decision. In other words, I don’t oppose myself.
Good to know:
- While my mind can go blank, it’s rare compared to my mind’s almost constant stream of thoughts and feelings. This stream causes many distractions, all day every day. I need to be good at ignoring them.
- All loss, no matter how small, causes pain. That pain is the feeling called grief. Thus, loss causes grief.
- Failure causes loss of what I was trying to do. Therefore, failure causes grief. The most important failure in daily life is the failure to ignore distractions which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response, my decision. My decision is not a psr. It’s the real true me. I call the grief from failing to ignore distractions, at the moment my true response appears, the pain of failing to ignore.
- Everyone is born with a different intensity of the pain of failing to ignore.
- If my pain of failing to ignore is strong, I am naturally afraid of it. Since a decision triggers the need to ignore distractions, which trigger my high pain of failing to ignore, which triggers my fear of the pain, I’m afraid of making any decision. When my fear of making a decision appears, I’m compelled to solve the fear. So, I find problems – faults – with the decision and solve them. I get the positive feeling of relief. Relief replaces my fear and so distracts me from the pain of failing to ignore. The result: I’m always editing (looking for and solving flaws), that is, problem-solving, my decisions in order to get relief from my normal fear of this abnormally high pain.
- One of these edits/problem-solving responses (psr’s) to a decision is the fantasy that the feeling of relief will make me feel like acting, feel motivated to act, on my decision. (Here lieth the source of the world’s fruitless search for motivation.) But it doesn’t work. As soon as I solve one problem, a new one appears. In fact, solving signals my brain that I want to do more solving, so I can get more relief. So, it brings me more problems. I call this constant line of psr’s “fear driven seeking of relief” or “second guessing” or “obsessing” about my decision.
- If my pain of failing to ignore is weak, I’m not afraid of it. Therefore I don’t produce anxiety – an abnormal fear of a normal situation, and other psr’s that mess around with my decision.
- All emotions, including grief caused by loss of anything, big or small, will keep coming back if opposed or avoided. To solve grief, including by avoiding it, is to oppose it. As a result, solving grief causes it to come back.
- All my problems are caused by me trying to solve/oppose the pain of failing to ignore. Culture says I should fix this pain. My brain says I should feel it, suffer it, and see how it won’t harm me if I do. This will make me ignore it by my moving on to seeing and externalizing my true response/my decision.
The Seeing Sequence, which is the sequence of bitching and complaining /flow in order to see my true response, gets me to stop trying to solve the pain of failing to ignore. As a result, the pain, like all emotion, runs out by itself, most often in bits, not all at once. A good but not must-read: Why the Seeing Sequence works.
(Notice: words in brackets below mean I can choose from several wordings, or the words are instructions or blanks to fill in that fit my experience.)
How to Bitch and Complain/Flow with Psr’s using the following Example List
1. Clumsy hands
2. Clumsy body
3. Clumsy swallowing
4. Misplacing or forgetting where I put things.
Example 1. Clumsy hands
I knock over dishes when I pick them up or put them down. I look away when I pick up a toy, or when I pick up a knife while I’m eating or when I pick up a screw driver or when I type a single key on a keyboard.
Step 1
Pick the thought or feeling I think is a psr. Optional: A useful guide: The Database of Psr’s
In this example: I let my mind wander as soon as I start do something that doesn’t require my full attention.
Classify my emotional response to the psr using three simple classes: “good me” for feelings that are positive (pleasure) or for feelings that I imagine will solve things fast (anger always comes with the fantasy that I can shake up the environment into going my way),
:”bad me” for hurting or judging myself
: “poor me” for fear and for feeling sorry for myself.
(NB. I decide on how many psr’s I want to b and c. It could be just one, or I could do all of them until they stop coming. The more I practice, the closer I get to one, then a ghost of one, then none. The number of practices is like learning to walk, or to play a musical instrument, or to play a sport well or to cook food well, or do anything well. It’s a large number. )
Like this:
Bad me, I’m inferior if I have to pay more attention to this movement.
Good me, I love looking away and thinking of something else when I grasp (this object or when I put it down).
Good me, I love the fantasy I don’t have to pay attention when I do something that simple.
(There are often more psr’s. But here I cut it off after a few, or even one).
Step 2
The reversal: find the cause of the psr’s, not by asking why, but by imagining what I would see if I didn’t do psr’s to myself.
Because poor me if I didn’t (love this fantasy),
I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions, (which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response; that wording is coming 4 lines below)
namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss
of momentum caused by the (end/ending/finishing/stopping/completing) of what I was just doing:
(namely) imagining my action image (of my decision) to pick up this _____(object (I say what the object is) or put down this object).
At the end of my thought that forms my true response:
I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring. (Dead inside means I don’t at all feel like ignoring)
But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to avoid being clumsy).
So start ignoring the delay by focusing on
(ignoring is done by focusing on something other than the thing I want to ignore)(I want to ignore the delay in getting over grief, so I focus on something -looking at where I’m moving this object in my hand – other than solving/opposing the delay in getting over grief)
mechanically looking at what I’m picking up, observing how good my grip on it is, and looking at the space between my hand and other objects around it as I move it in space.
Step 3
Check what comes into my mind
If it’s a psr, such as feeling inferior that I have to focus on the object and not on something I imagine is more important, repeat Steps 1 to 3 until psrs stop.
If it’s my true response, I look at the object as I pick it up, I observe my grip on it ever so briefly and I see what my hand might bump into while I’m moving it.
Example 2 Clumsy body
I bump into the table as I get up. I bump into the arm of a chair I go to sit in. I bump into the corner of a door frame as I pass by it. Where did I get this sore spot on my toe? I bumped it on a chair leg as I walked by. And that’s just part of my day.
Step 1
Pick the thought or feeling I think is a psr. Optional: A useful guide: The Database of Psr’s
In this example, I’m charging ahead to the image of me in action, my action image, when I move my body.
Classify my emotional response to the psr using three simple classes:
“good me” for feelings that are positive (pleasure) or for feelings that I imagine will solve things fast (anger always comes with the fantasy that I can shake up the environment into going my way),
“bad me” for hurting or judging myself.
“poor me” for fear and for feeling sorry for myself.
(NB. I decide on how many psr’s I want to b and c. It could be just one, or I could do all of them until they stop coming. The more I practice, the closer I get to one, then a ghost of one, then none. The number of practices is like learning to walk, or to play a musical instrument, or to play a sport well or to cook food well, or do anything well. It’s a large number. )
Like this:
Good me, I love jumping to the end of my thought so I can let my mind wander as I start to move through space.
Good me, I love the fantasy that I don’t need to watch where I’m going. I’ll just sense where.
Bad me, thinking that only losers need to watch where they’re going.
Good me, I love believing that my short attention span does not cause some of this clumsiness, and therefore I don’t have to rehearse to keep my mind from wandering off.
Step 2
The reversal: (find the cause of the psr’s, not by asking why, but by imagining what I would see if I didn’t do psr’s to myself.)
Because poor me if I didn’t (love these fantasies),
I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions, (which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response, that wording is coming 4 lines below)
namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss
of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:
(namely) picturing my action image (of my decision to move through space).
At the end of my thought that forms my true response:
I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring. (Dead inside means I don’t at all feel like ignoring)
But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to be uncoordinated ).
So start ignoring the delay by focusing on mechanically
looking at where I’m starting, where I have to go and the space between me and objects on the way.
Step 3
Wait to see what comes into mind.
If it’s a psr, such as I feel like leaping up from the table, or I go into my mind wandering as I start to move through my home, where I’ve bumped into almost everything , repeat Steps 1 to 3.
If I’m looking at where I’m starting and going, and the space between me and objects along the way, I’m in my true response.
Example 3 Clumsy swallowing
I’ve noticed this for a long time. But I never really thought about it as a psr.. Now I see I don’t pay attention to it either. It happens about once a day when I drink something and then cough. Rarely, when I swallow a solid after chewing it not enough it will get stuck. Yes, I’ve had a few close calls.
Step one
Pick the thought or feeling I think is a psr. Optional: A useful guide: The Database of Psr’s
I’ve jumped to the end of swallowing and am hurrying to catch up.
Classify my emotional response to the psr using three simple classes:
“good me” for feelings that are positive (pleasure) or for feelings that I imagine will solve things fast (anger always comes with the fantasy that I can shake up the environment into going my way),
“bad me” for hurting or judging myself.
“poor me” for fear and for feeling sorry for myself.
(NB. I decide on how many psr’s I want to b and c. It could be just one, or I could do all of them until they stop coming. The more I practice, the closer I get to one, then a ghost of one, then none. The number of practices is like learning to walk, or to play a musical instrument, or to play a sport well or to cook food well, or do anything well. It’s a large number. )
Like this:
Good me, I love jumping to the end of chewing (or to the end of taking a liquid into my mouth.)
Poor me I feel tense if I have to chew longer.
Good me, I love thinking of other things when I finish thinking of swallowing.
Step two
The reversal: (find the cause of the psr’s, not by asking why, but by imagining what I would see if I didn’t do psr’s to myself.)
Because poor me if I didn’t,
I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions,
namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss
of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:
(namely) (chewing) or picturing my action image (of my decision to swallow).
At the end of my thought that forms my true response:
I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring.
But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to avoid choking).
So start ignoring the delay by focusing on mechanically
swallowing properly.
Step 3
Wait to see what comes into my mind.
If another psr, repeat Steps 1 to 3.
If my true response, I physically feel where I’m starting – my mouth is full; where I have to make the food/liquid go – to the back of my throat; and the space between my food and my wind-pipe.
Example 4. Misplacing or forgetting where I put things.
As the saying goes, “You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached.” This is not a contact clumsiness. It’s missing-the-target clumsiness (the target where I want to place an object).
Step 1
Good me, I can’t wait to get putting it down over with.
If I have to look at/focus on where I put it, I’m a loser. Bad me,
Good me, solve being a loser by letting my thoughts wander when I put things down.
Step 2
Because poor me if I didn’t (love my mind wandering),
I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions,
namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss
of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:
(namely) imagining my action image (of my decision) to put down this _____ (object).
At the end of my thought that forms my true response:
I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring.
But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to avoid wasting time looking for it).
So start ignoring the delay by focusing on
mechanically looking at where I put it. And if I have a short attention span, gaze at it for a second or tell myself where it is at least ____ times. (Hey, whatever it takes).
Step 3
Check what comes into my mind. If I didn’t look where I put it, start over.
If I looking at where I put it and maybe saying where I put it, I’m done.
How I’ve been doing on this project.
Early times:
Caught myself blaming objects, blaming how the world was constructed, thinking that bumping and dropping things was just the cost of doing the business of moving my body. All my life, I had labelled these and other psr’s as normal thoughts.
Did b and c (bitching and complaining/flow) 15 to 30 times a day, while being amazed at how many times I had to do it because I moved clumsily.
Middle times:
B and c came into my mind more often, I put it off less when it did, and sometimes it came without me trying.
I did it sooner into the psr of jumping into my action image without checking the position of my body, and especially my hands, among objects around me, and thus I caught clumsiness before it came out.
B and c’d gradually less, because I was paying attention more before and during movement. But not a lot less compared to what I expected.
Took pride in being more graceful while doing simple physical tasks. Didn’t see that coming.
18 months later:
b and c has become 70 per cent more habitual. But I still catch myself starting to be clumsy five or six times a day.
It’s worse when I’m distracted by being upset and not doing b and c about my upset.
It’s also worse when I’m in a hurry. I get into this fantasy that momentum will carry me through to the end without my having to pay attention. But now I b and c that fantasy and the urge to hurry, in order to “save time” (Imagine, I used to think rushing to save a few seconds was a sensible thing to do).
A surprise: if I’m clumsy four or five times in a row, and I b and c each time, I’m more graceful without working at it for a while. This didn’t happen in early times. Theory: memory center wasn’t built large enough yet.
I value movement more. It’s like I know a secret of life, the one that’s obvious to non-clumsy people.
Spills are way down. Bumps and tripping over things way down. Not looking when I put things in containers or pick them up is way down. Not shutting cupboard doors is way down. No broken dishes in many months despite a few close calls. I more often remember where I put things, so time wasted looking for them is way down. I cough less when I drink liquids.
22 months later:
I b and c as soon as I set my thoughts adrift before I move. It’s automatic about 9 times out of 10.
This high frequency happened because I saw that skipping b and c sometimes, in the fantasy that clumsiness will go away in some distant future, resulted in my old memory center kicking in. As a result, I was clumsy more often for the next minutes that contained movement.
I’ve shortened the statements to one “good me”, then “if I didn’t, I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore” and then “look at where I’m starting, where I’m going and what I could bump into on the way”.
If I don’t use wording about the pain of failing to ignore, I may as well tell myself my true response as a reminder. But this doesn’t produce true change. It’s me following a rule I’ve memorized in order to oppose my clumsiness. That’s a psr. As a result, I don’t reroute my focus into letting the pain of failing to ignore run out. That takes me back to those old anxious times before I started to b and c. Back then, I would tell myself not to be clumsy, and other psr’s that never worked to change me.
To my surprise, I see how much movement there is in a normal day and how every movement is affected by my clumsiness. In other word, how even small movements require some focus. The only exceptions are when the consequences of not paying attention will hurt me or another. For example, I’m always careful on ladders.
On the other hand, I even have to pay attention when I hug someone, lest I squeeze too hard in my enthusiasm. Yes, I know. People who aren’t clumsy are careful without having to think about it. Lucky them.
I still love my foot kicking backwards at a drawer as I walk away from it after I forgot to close it. But I do b and c the forgetting.
There are still more acts of clumsiness in a day, 3 to 5, than I think I can achieve, which is zero most days. That’s because I’m still getting over my disbelief at how every movement is clumsy if I don’t pay close attention to where I start, where I’m going, and the space between me and objects on the way. But I’ll get there.
How do I know? I keep getting better with practice.
“It’s the practice stupid.” (A variation of James Carville’s “It’s the economy, stupid.” Carville was former U.S. president Bill Clinton’s chief campaign strategist.)
Postscript
Reminder 1 to self:
To b and c or not to b and c. That is the question. To b and c is to suffer the frustration of missing the signal – a psr – to b and c an astonishingly large number of times. To not b and c is to suffer constant anxiety and the exhausting work of trying to solve it. Thus, both ways suck. Only I can decide which way I want my existence to suck in any moment, when I do catch the signal, the psr.
Reminder 2 to self:
I need to memorize these sentences or I’ll never do them. And even when I do memorize them, it will take more suffering my anxiety before I remember to do them, and even more suffering before I even decide to do them after I remember. Even then, I’ll need more practice to do it live, in the moment. That’s the easiest way? Yup.
Reminder 3 to self:
The above two reminders are about what causes change in my brain: persistent practice that builds alternate memory centers. Change doesn’t come from judgement or punishment or encouragement or copying rules or help from another. So I’m free not to use them, and I’m especially free of needing to judge myself for not using them. To repeat in another way: the only thing that changes my brain is seeing through the tricks my anxiety plays on me to solve itself, and disbelieving them by b and c, over and over again. Only then will I have built a new memory center, a new planet, of bitching and complaining that pulls my focus into it and emits true responses.
Reminder 4 to self:
Question
Why don’t I just say what the the distraction is? Grief. The grief from the loss of the momentum caused by the end of whatever I was just doing,
Answer
Because grief would not be a distraction if it went away instantly. While grief is brief, like all emotion, it keeps coming back in waves that don’t go away instantly. Therefore, it distracts me from focusing on my true response. Thus, the distraction is not the grief, it’s the delay in the pleasure of getting it over with in the instant I have to transition, that is, change, my focus from forming to externalizing my true response. My high pain of failing to ignore that delay compels me to fix the pain. But I must not give in. I have to train myself to suffer that pain through that instant by mechanically focusing on externalizing my true response. Tall order.
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