The Problem
I love perfection.
A small list :
I love perfect presence of positive real things: my clothes folded perfectly, in perfect lines on their shelf; my hair perfectly in place; my body perfectly comfortable when I go to bed; my perfectly made bed when I wake up.
I love perfect absence of negative real things: the complete absence of germs, of dirt, of fungus, of bugs. Of cold, of hot. Of seams in my clothes that rub on my perfect skin.
I love perfecting my thoughts by finding and fixing anything wrong with them. Even if they are not real. I picture being perfectly rich, like a princess or prince.
I love perfecting other peoples thoughts, and their feelings and their lives; even if they aren’t asking me too.
I love making positive all negative feelings or thoughts, even if they come from my imagination.
Problem is, I can’t make decisions, and I can barely get anything done because I’m too busy perfecting everything that comes into my mind. And, because I can’t get things done, my mood mostly sucks, or it swings between pessimism and optimism.
Or I’m the opposite. I can’t stop getting things done. I can’t stop cleaning, or repairing or preparing food or building stuff.
One of the worst parts is with people. I pretend to be normal with them, but I don’t like them because they have too many flaws. And they don’t like me because I fight with them or avoid them or try to improve them. Ugh. Lonely, even when I’m not alone. And when I am alone, I’m so tense, which means I’m afraid, constantly solving, solving.
The Cause
Not upbringing, not experiences. Instead, psr’s. Psr = inappropriate or imaginary problem solving response. It’s not real solving of real stuff. Ipsr is too long and doesn’t roll off the tongue well, so … psr.
The Solution, The Change
Bitch and complain (also called “flow” or “flow-with” the psr’s, often many times (instructions are in the examples below). The repetitions build a memory center that pulls my focus into it. While there, I don’t find fault with every thought while I form and carry out, externalize, a decision. In other words, I don’t oppose myself.
Good to know:
- While my mind can go blank, it’s rare compared to my mind’s almost constant stream of thoughts and feelings. This stream causes many distractions, all day every day. I need to be good at ignoring them.
- All loss, no matter how small, causes pain. That pain is the feeling called grief. Thus, loss causes grief.
- Failure causes loss of what I was trying to do. Therefore, failure causes grief. The most important failure in daily life is the failure to ignore distractions which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response, my decision. My decision is not a psr. It’s the real true me. I call the grief from failing to ignore distractions, at the moment my true response appears, the pain of failing to ignore.
- Everyone is born with a different intensity of the pain of failing to ignore.
- If my pain of failing to ignore is strong, I am naturally afraid of it. Since a decision triggers the need to ignore distractions, which trigger my high pain of failing to ignore, which triggers my fear of the pain, I’m afraid of making any decision. When my fear of making a decision appears, I’m compelled to solve the fear. So, I find problems – faults – with the decision and solve them. I get the positive feeling of relief. Relief replaces my fear and so distracts me from the pain of failing to ignore. The result: I’m always editing (looking for and solving flaws), that is, problem-solving, my decisions in order to get relief from my normal fear of this abnormally high pain.
- One of these edits/problem-solving responses (psr’s) to a decision is the fantasy that the feeling of relief will make me feel like acting, feel motivated to act, on my decision. (Here lieth the source of the world’s fruitless search for motivation.) But it doesn’t work. As soon as I solve one problem, a new one appears. In fact, solving signals my brain that I want to do more solving, so I can get more relief. So, it brings me more problems. I call this constant line of psr’s “fear driven seeking of relief” or “second guessing” or “obsessing” about my decision.
- If my pain of failing to ignore is weak, I’m not afraid of it. Therefore I don’t produce anxiety – an abnormal fear of a normal situation, and other psr’s that mess around with my decision.
- All emotions, including grief caused by loss of anything, big or small, will keep coming back if opposed or avoided. To solve grief, including by avoiding it, is to oppose it. As a result, solving grief causes it to come back.
- All my problems are caused by me trying to solve/oppose the pain of failing to ignore. Culture says I should fix this pain. My brain says I should feel it, suffer it, and see how it won’t harm me if I do. This will make me ignore it by my moving on to seeing and externalizing my true response/my decision.
The Seeing Sequence, which is the sequence of bitching and complaining /flow in order to see my true response, gets me to stop trying to solve the pain of failing to ignore. As a result, the pain, like all emotion, runs out by itself, most often in bits, not all at once. A good but not must-read: Why the Seeing Sequence works.
(Notice: words in brackets below mean I can choose from several wordings, or the words are instructions or blanks to fill in that fit my experience.)
How to Bitch and Complain/Flow with Psr’s using the following Example List
1. I perfect what I’m writing.
2. I perfect getting rid of germs.
3. I’m detached from what’s around me because I keep trying to perfect what I see.
Example 1
I need to write a message to invite a friend over.
“Dear friend”, That’s too stiff.
“Hey friend!” Too excited.
“Hello friend” Stiff. And I forgot the comma after friend.
“Friend”, Doesn’t sound the same as the greeting I was taught in school.
But I’m getting bored. So I go find something to drink and bring it back to where I’m writing. I make myself extra comfortable.
All the above greetings run rapidly through my mind. I picture my friend reading it and smiling at how bad I wrote it.
“Want to come over to my place?” But I haven’t addressed my friend. Rude.
“Hi Friend, come on over.” I write this quickly so I won’t attack it.
“Signed, me” It’s too short, and my friend might want to know why I’m inviting them. But I can’t think of what I can do to make them want to come. I can’t think of what we’ll do together that doesn’t have flaws.
I’ll be funny. But how? I’ll be serious. Boring. I’ll just go along. But what if nobody says anything or does anything?
I’m discouraged. I give up. Then I remember I can bitch and complain.
Step 1
Pick the thought or feeling I think is a psr. Optional: A useful guide is this page on the website: The Database of Psr’s
In this case, imagining my note will fail to get my friend’s approval.
Classify my emotional response to the psr using three simple classes:
“good me” for feelings that are positive (pleasure) or for feelings that I imagine will solve things fast (anger always comes with the fantasy that I can shake up the environment into going my way),
“bad me” for hurting or judging myself.
“poor me” for fear and for feeling sorry for myself.
(NB. I decide on how many psr’s I want to b and c. It could be just one, or I could do all of them until they stop coming. The more I practice, the closer I get to one, then a ghost of one, then none. The number of practices is like learning to walk, or to play a musical instrument, or to play a sport well or to cook food well, or to learn to type on a keyboard, or do anything well. It’s a large number. )
Like this
Good me, I’ll write a really nice note.
What if it isn’t well receive. Bad me, predicting failure.
I can’t think of what to say. Poor me.
Good me, I’ll take a break.
Poor me, I feel like giving up.
Step 2
The reversal: (find the cause of the psr’s, not by asking why, but by imagining what I would see if I didn’t do psr’s to myself.)
Because poor me if I didn’t (feel like giving up because I’m finding all this fault with myself),
I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions, (which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response; that wording is coming 4 lines below)
namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss
of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:
(namely) _____ (composing a note).
At the end of my thought that forms my true response:
I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring. (Dead inside means I don’t at all feel like ignoring)
But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to write this note.)
So start ignoring the delay by focusing on
(ignoring is done by focusing on something other than the thing I want to ignore)(I want to ignore the delay in getting over grief, so I focus on something other than that: the writing)
mechanically (matching the action image of my decision -writing the note, to external action) writing what comes to my mind.
Step 3
Wait to see what comes into my mind.
If another psr, repeat Steps 1 and 2 until; psr’s stop, or I decide to stop or until I run out of time and have to do something else.
If my true response, I naturally externalize my true response/decision by matching the words I write to the words in my head.
Example 2
I perfect getting rid of germs.
Step 1
Pick the thought or feeling I think is a psr. Optional: A useful guide is this page on the website: The Database of Psr’s
In this case, get rid of all germs, achieve the absence of germs.
Classify my emotional response to the psr using three simple classes:
“good me” for feelings that are positive (pleasure) or for feelings that I imagine will solve things fast (anger always comes with the fantasy that I can shake up the environment into going my way),
“bad me” for hurting or judging myself.
“poor me” for fear and for feeling sorry for myself.
(NB. I decide on how many psr’s I want to b and c. It could be just one, or I could do all of them until they stop coming. The more I practice, the closer I get to one, then a ghost of one, then none. The number of practices is like learning to walk, or to play a musical instrument, or to play a sport well or to cook food well, or do anything well. It’s a large number. )
Like this
Bad me, predicting I’ll get sick from germs. (I could also say “predicting failure to avoid getting sick”)
I’ll wash my hands to get rid of them. Good me.
Maybe I missed some germs. Bad me predicting failure to get them all.
Good me, I’ll wash my hands again, and use a clean towel to dry them. That will be perfect.
Poor me, I’m afraid my dishes and cooking surfaces are not clean enough, door knobs are full of germs, and on and on about every surface I come across in my day.
I’ll get sick and die. Bad me, jumping to a worst case scenario.
Good me. I’ll clean my dishes and counters and examine them until they’re perfectly clean.
I’ve always done this, so I also do it for the comfort of predictability whenever I finish using my hands. Good me.
Bad me, all of this is me simply editing the following decision:
I have adequately assessed how many germs on this surface could make me sick- none;
or, I already know there are no germs on this surface, including my hands, that could make me sick.
(This can go on and on, so I decide to stop here and go to Step 2)
Step 2
The reversal: (find the cause of the psr’s, not by asking why, but by imagining what I would see if I didn’t do psr’s to myself.)
Because poor me if I didn’t (perfect getting rid of germs, as a form of editing my decision),
I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions, (which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response; that wording is coming 4 lines below)
namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss
of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:
(namely) deciding there aren’t sickness-causing germs on this surface – my hands or most surface.
At the end of my thought that forms my true response:
I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring. (Dead inside means I don’t at all feel like ignoring)
But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to get beyond endlessly editing my decision that there are no sickness-causing germs around just now.
So start ignoring the delay by focusing on
(ignoring is done by focusing on something other than the thing I want to ignore)(I want to ignore the delay in getting over grief, so I focus on something other than that: what I have decided)
mechanically moving on to _____ (doing what I’ve decided with my clean hands).
Step 3
What comes into my mind now?
If it’s a psr, start over at step 1.
If it’s my true response, I move on to externalizing my true response, which is I’ve already decided I won’t get sick from this imperfectly sanitized environment, so I’m going to leave my hand prints on it by working in it.
Example 3
I notice I’m very often detached from the environment. When others are having fun, I don’t take part. Instead, I describe to myself what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. Then I find fault with them or their activity and create solutions in my imagination. This leads me to often distance myself and analyze when I should be doing stuff, either by myself or with others.
When I was younger, my mom used to say I acted like I was 300 years old. What she should have done was shunned me. ( Click on this link to see how to shun: The Rules of Hurt/Mirroring/Shunning)
For example, she should have given me a pile of books to read and made me write essays on them.
But she didn’t understand that I was anxious and needed to bitch and complain my anxiety that takes the form of detachment and leads to more detachment. So here is what would have helped me. And still does.
Step 1
Good me, I’m stepping back from this fun situation and analyzing it.
Good me, I know just how to solve the flaws I see in it.
I’m imagining myself telling others what I came up with and they think I’m amazing. Good me.
Step 2
Reversal
Because poor me if I didn’t (act like a know-it-all and fantasized everyone is impressed),
I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions, (which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response; that wording is coming 4 lines below)
namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss
of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:
(namely) imagining my action image, which is me coming out of myself and taking part in the fun.
At the end of my thought that forms my true response:
I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring. (Dead inside means I don’t at all feel like ignoring)
But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to ___(get into the scene in front of me)).
So start ignoring the delay by focusing on
mechanically matching my action-image of how I would take part in the fun -on this try/in the next moment – with actually doing it.
Step 3
What comes into my mind now?
If it’s a psr, start over at step 1.
If it’s my true response, I’m doing what is fun for me in this situation. I’m getting into it.
Postscript
Reminder 1 to self:
To b and c or not to b and c. That is the question. To b and c is to suffer the frustration of missing the signal – a psr – to b and c an astonishingly large number of times. To not b and c is to suffer constant anxiety and the exhausting work of trying to solve it. Thus, both ways suck. Only I can decide which way I want my existence to suck in any moment, when I do catch the signal, the psr.
Reminder 2 to self:
I need to memorize these sentences or I’ll never do them. And even when I do memorize them, it will take more suffering my anxiety before I remember to do them, and even more suffering before I even decide to do them after I remember. Even then, I’ll need more practice to do it live, in the moment. That’s the easiest way? Yup.
Reminder 3 to self:
The above two reminders are about what causes change in my brain: persistent practice that builds alternate memory centers. Change doesn’t come from judgement or punishment or encouragement or copying rules or help from another. So I’m free not to use them, and I’m especially free of needing to judge myself for not using them. To repeat in another way: the only thing that changes my brain is seeing through the tricks my anxiety plays on me to solve itself, and disbelieving them by b and c, over and over again. Only then will I have built a new memory center, a new planet, of bitching and complaining that pulls my focus into it and emits true responses.
Reminder 4 to self:
Question
Why don’t I just say what the the distraction is? Grief. The grief from the loss of the momentum caused by the end of whatever I was just doing,
Answer
Because grief would not be a distraction if it went away instantly. While grief is brief, like all emotion, it keeps coming back in waves that don’t go away instantly. Therefore, it distracts me from focusing on my true response. Thus, the distraction is not the grief, it’s the delay in the pleasure of getting it over with in the instant I have to transition, that is, change, my focus from forming to externalizing my true response. My high pain of failing to ignore that delay compels me to fix the pain. But I must not give in. I have to train myself to suffer that pain through that instant by mechanically focusing on externalizing my true response. Tall order.
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