The Seeing Sequence meets lazy consideration

Updated April 20, 2024, and Dec 18, 2024

The Problem

I try to change your mind out of your lazy consideration of me. And I fail. And it hurts a lot.

The above problem unpacked

First

Lazy consideration:

You have heard me, and therefore you know, what I want. However, you don’t give it to me. But the cause of your avoidance or refusal is not that you have no consideration. Everyone has it since early in life, when we start to grow our ability to see what others want. It’s that you have anxiety, which creates the fear that you won’t get consideration back. To solve your fear, you go into the state of laziness: “unwilling to work or use energy”. You are in lazy consideration. You know what I want, but you’re too lazy to give it to me.

Second

There are three possible outcomes when I differ from you.

1.  Resolution. We are not in lazy consideration. We show each other our points of view in order to change each other’s mind  to the same or mostly same view, a shared view, about what we are looking at.  This resolves our difference and we feel connected for a moment.
2.  Licking my wounds. I fool myself by believing that you are not in lazy consideration. I try and try to change your mind. I fail and take the bullet of my pain which is now huge, immobilizing. I have to go and seclude myself until my pain goes down and I can move again. I’m licking my wounds.
3. Dodging a bullet. We fail to come to a shared view, because you are in lazy consideration. The only thing I can get out of this is to dodge the bullet of inflicting upon myself the immobilizing pain of trying and failing to change your mind to approving of my point of view.

Third

Why self-inflicted? Because I have used my imagination to convince me to take the risk to get you to connect to me when you’re in lazy consideration. Now, connecting to people is a survival mechanism. So, when I fail to change your mind, I  feel an immobilizing pain to remind me that my survival is at stake. I am the trigger of that pain.

The Cause

Not upbringing, not experiences. Instead, psr’s. Psr = inappropriate or imaginary problem solving response. It’s not real solving of real stuff. Ipsr is too long and doesn’t roll off the tongue well, so … psr – problem solving response.

The Solution, The Change

Bitch and complain (also called “flow” or “flow-with” the psr’s, often many times (instructions are in the examples below). The repetitions build a memory center that pulls my focus into it. While there, I don’t find fault with every thought while I form and carry out, externalize, a decision. In other words, I don’t oppose myself.

Good to know:

1. While my mind can go blank, it’s rare compared to my mind’s almost constant stream of thoughts and feelings. This stream causes many distractions, all day every day. I need to be good at ignoring them.
2. All loss, no matter how small, causes pain. That pain is the feeling called grief. Thus, loss causes grief.
3. Failure causes loss of what I was trying to do.  Therefore, failure causes grief. The most important failure in daily life is the failure to ignore distractions which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response, my decision. My decision is not a psr. It’s the real true me. I call the grief from failing to ignore distractions, at the moment my true response appears, the pain of failing to ignore.
4. Everyone is born with a different intensity of the pain of failing to ignore.
5. If my pain of failing to ignore is strong, I am naturally afraid of it. Since a decision triggers the need to ignore distractions, which trigger my high pain of failing to ignore, which triggers my fear of the pain,  I’m  afraid of making any decision. When my fear of making a decision appears, I’m compelled to solve it. So, I find problems – faults – with the decision and solve them. I  get the positive feeling of relief. Relief replaces my fear and so distracts me from the pain of failing to ignore. The result: I’m always editing (looking for and solving flaws), that is, problem-solving, my decisions in order to get relief from my normal fear of this abnormally high pain.
6. One of these edits/problem-solving responses (psr’s) to a decision is the fantasy that the feeling of relief will make me feel like acting, feel motivated to act, on my decision. (Here lieth the source of the world’s fruitless search for motivation.) But it doesn’t work. As soon as I solve one problem, a new one appears. In fact, solving signals my brain that I want to do more solving, so I can get more relief. So, it brings me more problems. I call this constant line of editing psr’s “fear driven seeking of relief” or “second guessing” or “obsessing” about my decision.
7. If my pain of failing to ignore is weak, I’m  not afraid of it. Therefore I don’t produce anxiety – an abnormal fear of a normal situation, and other psr’s that mess around with my decision.
8. All emotions, including grief caused by loss of anything, big or small,  I tried to achieve, will keep coming back if opposed. To solve grief is to oppose it. As a result, solving grief causes it to come back.
9. All my problems are caused by me trying to solve/oppose the pain of failing to ignore. Culture says I should fix this pain. My brain says I should feel it/suffer it, and see how it won’t harm me if I do. This will make me ignore it by moving my focus onward to seeing and externalizing my true response/decision.

The Seeing Sequence, which is the sequence of  bitching and complaining in order to see my true response, gets me to stop trying to solve the pain of failing to ignore. As a result, the pain, like all emotion, runs out by itself, most often in bits, not all at once.  A good but not must read:  Why the Seeing Sequence Works.

(Notice: words in brackets below mean I can choose from several wordings, or the words are instructions or blanks to fill in.)

How to Bitch and Complain/Flow with Psr’s using the following Example List

1. I try to change your mind before I see my true response to your lazy consideration.

2. In response to your lazy consideration, I see my true response but I avoid showing/externalizing it.

3. I try to change your mind after I show/externalize my true response to your lazy consideration.

Example 1

 I try to change your mind before I see my true response.

Step 1

Pick the thought or feeling I think is a psr.  Optional: A useful guide: The Database of Psr’s

In this example: The fantasy that I can change your mind.

Classify my emotional response to the psr using three simple classes:

“good me” for feelings that are positive (pleasure) or for feelings that I imagine will solve things fast (anger always comes with the fantasy that I can shake up the environment into going my way), and thus give me the positive feeling of relief.

“bad me” for hurting or judging myself.

“poor me”  for fear and for feeling sorry for myself.

(NB. I decide on how many psr’s I want to b and c. It could be just one, or I could do all of them until they stop coming. The more I practice, the closer I get to one, then a ghost of one, then none. The number of practices is like learning to walk, or to play a musical instrument, or to play a sport well or to cook food well, or do anything well. It’s a large number. )

Like this:

I love the fantasy I can change your mind to considering my point of view. Good me.

Good me, I helpfully explain my point of view with more detail.

You argue with me instead of trying to see. Poor me.

Bad me, I predict failure to get you to see.

Good me, I move to defensive explaining, and then warning you of consequences for avoiding considering me.

Poor me, that fails to change your mind and my pain has intensified a lot.

Now I’m angry, in the fantasy I can shake you up into changing your mind to approving of my point of view. Good me.

Step 2

The reversal: (find the cause of the psr’s, in order to see they are not real, not by asking why, but by imagining what I would see if I didn’t do psr’s to myself.)

Because poor me if I didn’t (imagine I could change your mind out of lazy consideration),

I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions, (which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response; that wording is coming 4 lines below)

namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss

of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:

(namely)experiencing a problem I can’t solve now and don’t want to solve ever: your lazy consideration.

At the end of my thought that forms my true response:

I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring. (Dead inside means I don’t at all feel like ignoring)

But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to stay out of immobilizing pain).

So start ignoring the delay by focusing on

(ignoring is done by focusing on something other than the thing I want to ignore)(I want to ignore the delay in getting over grief, so I focus on something – forming my true response to your lazy consideration – other than solving/opposing the delay in getting over grief)

mechanically moving (my focus) on to forming and externalizing my true response.

Step 3

Wait to see what comes into my mind.

If another psr, repeat Steps 1 and 2 until psr’s stop . Or until I run out of time and have to do something else.

If my true response, I shun your lazy consideration.

Shunning:  shunning goes way back. See many religious texts. It is used in the Seeing Sequence to describe how my usual consideration is turned off by a person in lazy consideration. But I can’t externally and totally shun every person who turns me off. If I did, I’d eventually be totally shunning, “ghosting”, cutting off, everyone. Instead I modify the shun to be a mirror image of their lazy consideration.

When my true response is shunning, I need help to see it. That help comes from the table in the rules of mirroring, also known as the rules of hurt. Why hurt? Because by shunning you, I am passing back to you the pain you are trying to give  to me to solve for you.

To see my shun, I go to:  The Rules of Hurt/Mirroring/Shunning

Example 2

I avoid showing you my true response when I see it.

Step 1

Pick the thought or feeling I think is a psr.  Optional: A useful guide: The Database of Psr’s

I’m avoiding showing my true response, which is a shun of your lazy consideration.

Classify my emotional response to the psr using three simple classes:

“good me” for feelings that are positive (pleasure) or for feelings that I imagine will solve things fast (anger always comes with the fantasy that I can shake up the environment into going my way) and thus give me the positive feeling of relief.

“bad me” for hurting or judging myself.

“poor me”  for fear and for feeling sorry for myself.

(NB. I decide on how many psr’s I want to b and c. It could be just one, or I could do all of them until they stop coming. The more I practice, the closer I get to one, then a ghost of one, then none. The number of practices is like learning to walk, or to play a musical instrument, or to play a sport well or to cook food well, or do anything well. It’s a large number. )

Like this:

Poor me, afraid of your disapproval

Magnifying your disapproval to a worst-case scenario. Bad me.

Good me, avoid externalizing my true response to avoid my fear of your disapproval.

Step 2

The reversal: (find the cause of the psr’s, not by asking why, but by imagining what I would see if I didn’t do psr’s to myself.)

Because poor me if I didn’t (avoid),

I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions, (which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response; that wording is coming 4 lines below)

namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss

of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:

(namely) experiencing a problem I can’t solve now – my correct prediction that you will disapprove of my coming true response, which is a shun.

At the end of my thought that forms my true response:

I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring. (Dead inside means I don’t at all feel like ignoring)

But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to get this shun out there and avoid immobilizing pain).

So start ignoring the delay by focusing on

(ignoring is done by focusing on something other than the thing I want to ignore)(I want to ignore the delay in getting over grief, so I focus on something – matching the action image of my decision with action  – other than solving/opposing the delay in getting over grief)

mechanically moving (my focus) on to externalizing my true response, my shun.

Step 3

Wait to see what comes into my mind.

If another psr, repeat Steps 1 and 2 until psr’s stop . Or until I run out of time and have to do something else.

If my true response, I match my action to my action image of shunning you.

To figure out my shun, I read The Rules of Hurt/Mirroring/Shunning

Example 3

 I try to change your mind after I show you my true response.

Step 1

Pick the thought or feeling I think is a psr.  Optional: A useful guide: The Database of Psr’s

I’m trying to change your disapproval of my shun.

Classify my emotional response to the psr using three simple classes:

“good me” for feelings that are positive (pleasure) or for feelings that I imagine will solve things fast (anger always comes with the fantasy that I can shake up the environment into going my way), and get the positive feeling of relief.

“bad me” for hurting or judging myself.

“poor me”  for fear and for feeling sorry for myself.

(NB. I decide on how many psr’s I want to b and c. It could be just one, or I could do all of them until they stop coming. The more I practice, the closer I get to one, then a ghost of one, then none. The number of practices is like learning to walk, or to play a musical instrument, or to play a sport well or to cook food well, or do anything well. It’s a large number. )

Like this:

I’m trying to change your disapproval of my shun. Good me.

Poor me. It’s because I’m really scared of your disapproval. I can’t help it.

Good me, I love the fantasy that if I back down you will stop being so emotional and persistent, you will stop harassing me.

Good me, I love the fantasy that my shun could change your mind.

Step 2

The reversal: (find the cause of the psr’s, not by asking why, but by imagining what I would see if I didn’t do psr’s to myself.)

Because poor me if I didn’t (back down),

I’m afraid I’ll see I’m in the pain of failing to ignore distractions, (which occur at the end of my thought that forms my true response; that wording is coming 4 lines below)

namely, the delay in the pleasure of getting over the grief from the loss

of momentum caused by the end of what I was just doing:

(namely) experiencing a problem I can’t solve now and don’t want to solve ever: your harassment of me when I showed you my shun.

At the end of my thought that forms my true response:

I’m already dead inside about this act of ignoring. (Dead inside means I don’t at all feel like ignoring)

But I have to ignore anyway (if I want to keep my focus that my shun is for me and not to change your mind).

So start ignoring the delay by focusing on

(ignoring is done by focusing on something other than the thing I want to ignore)(I want to ignore the delay in getting over grief, so I focus on something – matching the action image of my decision with action  – other than solving/opposing the delay in getting over grief)

mechanically moving (my focus) on to sticking to my shun.

Step 3

Wait to see what comes into my mind.

If another psr, repeat Steps 1 and 2 until psr’s stop . Or until I run out of time and have to do something else.

If my true response, I match my action to my action image of not backing down, and then moving on to shunning your harassment, all the while bitching and complaining my psr – my intense fear. This is my second true response which also happens to be a shun to your harassment of my first shun. According to the rules of hurt, rule 10, my shun is gone to your gone. My shun is found in:  The Rules of Hurt/Mirroring/Shunning

Postscript

Reminder 1 to self:

To b and c or not to b and c. That is the question. To b and c is to suffer the frustration of missing the signal – a psr – to b and c an astonishingly large number of times. To not b and c is to suffer constant anxiety and the exhausting work of trying to solve it. Thus, both ways suck. Only I can decide which way I want my existence to suck in any moment.

Reminder 2 to self:

I need to memorize these sentences or I’ll never do them. And even when I do memorize them, it will take more suffering my anxiety before I remember to do them, and even more suffering before I even decide to do them after I remember. Even then, I’ll need more practice to do it live, in the moment. That’s the easiest way? Yup.

Reminder 3 to self:

The above two reminders are about what causes change in my brain: persistent practice that builds alternate memory centers. Change doesn’t come from  judgement or punishment or encouragement or copying rules or help from another. So I’m free not to use them, and I’m especially free of needing to judge myself for not using them. To repeat in another way: the only thing that changes my brain is seeing through the tricks my anxiety plays on me to solve itself, and disbelieving them by b and c, over and over again. Only then will I have built a new memory center, a new planet, of bitching and complaining that pulls my focus into it.

Reminder 4 to self:

Question

Why don’t I just say what the the distraction is? Grief. The grief from the loss of the momentum caused by the end of whatever I was just doing,

Answer

Because grief would not be a distraction if it went away instantly. While grief is brief, like all emotion, it keeps coming back in waves that don’t go away instantly. Therefore, it distracts me from focusing on my true response. Thus, the distraction is not the grief, it’s the delay in the pleasure of getting it over with in the instant I have to transition, that is, change, my focus from forming to externalizing my true response. My high pain of failing to ignore that delay compels me to fix the pain. But I must not give in. I have to train myself to suffer that pain through that instant by mechanically focusing on externalizing my true response. Tall order.